BLITZEN: (At a bar, clearly inebriated. Talking to Comet.) Comet? Comet, are you listening? Good, good. No, I’m fine, I’ll just take a cab or something. I promise. I promise! I won’t drink and fly anymore, that was one time. No, I didn’t think I was Rudolph and that I could light my way home. I’m not jealous. I’m not. I’m not! Enough about Rudolph! (Pause.) I’m sorry, Comet, I don’t know what came over me. I don’t hate Rudolph, it’s just…Well, that was supposed to be me. No, not the light up nose, just the attention. I was Santa’s favourite and then all of a sudden this perky, little freak show reindeer appears, and Nick is all over him. I was supposed to be at the head of the sleigh! I was going to make it! Well, no…I, I know I don’t have a light-up nose. I guess I just would have taped on a flashlight or wrapped some Christmas lights around my snout or something…that’s not the point. The point is that I was just shafted and forgotten about. He doesn’t talk to me anymore, unless he needs to. I mean, it was always different between us, anyways: he had responsibilities, he was married, he was human, but I still miss him. I know he still loves me, but it’s just not the same, you know? (Pause. Gathers his thoughts.) There are no songs about me. No “Blitzen The Plain Nosed Reindeer.” (Starts singing to the tune of “Rudolph of the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”) “Blitzen the plain nosed reindeer, had a very reindeer nose.” (Stops singing.) And that would be the end of the song, too. You couldn’t even go on. (Pause.) You wanna know a secret, Comet? Rudolph’s nose…it’s just one big pimple. It’s true, I swear on it. I was picking up my new bells from the factory, and Rudolph was at a table, his back turned to me. I called him, and he was so jolted that he turned around without even putting down what he was doing. Well, I’m getting to that. There he was shining his big red pimple, right in the middle of the factory! I swear. I caught him shining it! He even tried to back it up, tried coming up with different stories, but finally he just gave up and told me the truth. The cream he’s been using preserves his “nose” and since it’s made with some radioactive materials, it even starts to give off light! You don’t even know how hard it was not to laugh! I didn’t even feel bad for him! I swore to him I would never tell a soul, but that little red-nosed creep can go to hell! (Pauses to calm down.) Oh, you going? Yeah, yeah, I’ll come home soon. I know it’s tomorrow night; I’ll be fine. I will, Comet. I’m not too hard on myself, I know he loves all of us. Goodnight, Comet. (Starts reciting ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas’) Twas the night…twas two nights before Christmas and all through the city, everyone cheered for Rudolph, and for Blitzen, there was pity.
Julie Foster
